MALE STAGES IN LIFE

AGE DRINK 17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - scotch
48 - double scotch
66 - Maalox
AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE FAVORITE HOUSE PET
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie
AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

TEN WORST GIFTS TO BUY A WOMAN

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend.

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

TIPS FOR HUSBANDS

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

IT'S TOUGH BEING A GUY

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

How to Look Good For Women

Looking good, whether for a night on the town, or for a presentation at the office, isn't as easy as it seems. But with these tips, you won't have any trouble feeling good, and chances are, you'll look even better.
1. Take your time and don't rush. Rushing can make you feel like you've forgotten something, and that can throw you off.
2. Your hair is important to how you feel. Shampoo and condition with products made for your hair. Leave the conditioner in for at least a few minutes. Then when you get out of the shower, towel dry your hair and comb it with a wide tooth comb. Blow dry your hair, and straighten it. Or if you have curly hair, or want to wear ringlets, use a diffuser with a curling balm. This will help your curls look full.
3. Don't wear too much make-up. If you have any blemishes, cover them with some foundation that's not oil-based. Then add some eye shadow with a little brush. Choose a neutral tone, unless you want something some mystique. If that's the case, choose a dark grey or light purple.
4. Curl your eye lashes. Add 2 coats of mascara, and if your eyelashes are very fair, add an extra layer on top. Put a blusher on your cheeks for some added color by starting at the center of your cheek, and rubbing it back to your hairline.
5. If you want to do your nails, choose a sexy color like red or pink, or if you want a more refined look, paint them clear. If you're wearing open toed shoes, don't forget about your toenails.
6. Choose your outfit carefully. Only accentuate one body part. If you're wearing a low cut top, don't wear a skimpy skirt too. Or if you want to show some leg, don't let your tummy peek out. Dressing modestly is often sexier than showing too much - it leaves more to the imagination. If it's a casual night, wear jeans or pants with a colorful shirt. If it's more important to look good, throw on some heels with those jeans. You could wear boots with a miniskirt, or if you're going to wear a low cut top, wear jeans and sexy flats. If you really want to get some attention, wear some patterned tights. Pair your outfit with some nice earrings, a sexy bag, or a belt. Even a bright scarf can make you stand out. Remember that the accents go farther than you think.
7. Feel confident. Too many girls try looking good to please others. Wear what makes you feel sexy. That will give you the most confidence, which in turn, will make you the best dressed.
Remember that when you go out, you should have fun! Don't burden yourself with thoughts of what other people are wearing. Taking the time to look pretty will make you feel comfortable and sexy, naturally.